Friendship and closure

Friendship is a beautiful thing, right? But.. what about when it's not?
It's one of those relationships that can truly fuck you up for the rest of your life.. 
I hate how relatable it sounds.. the sheer number of people who 
Have at some point in their life
Felt betrayed by a friend
Felt unappreciated by a friend 
Felt like they gave too much of theirselves away for someone who they thought would do the same, 
Only to never be able to feel whole again
How does one really fill that hole?
How do you stop yourself from booty dialing that one (ex) best friend at 3am when you're feeling down 
Or just really need someone to talk to?
Do you stop watching that tv show they got you hooked on?
Or forget the lyrics to every song of the band you both loved and jammed to at every sleepover?
The matching tees
The way they take their coffee
The inside jokes
The darkest secrets
The first boy who broke her heart
The book she can never get enough of
To the first time you caught them lying
Your conversations got shorter
The hugs felt colder

I .. don't really know where I'm going with this.. 
But I'd just like to say I'm sorry for anyone who knows what I'm really trying to say.. y'all are precious and deserve the world! 


P.S.
I know I might sound overly dramatic to some, so
Lemme just say I'm really happy for y'all.. happy that no one ever made you feel that way and I hope no one ever does! 
Have a great day everyone💖




Let go of our fears

We’re the personification of irony, all of us
We’re afraid of being alone, and yet whenever we’re faced with a problem,
or simply overwhelmed,
We’re too proud to say we’re not okay
Instead, our first instinct is to hide,
Because we want to deal with it on our own
Beause we simply refuse to believe that anyone could actually help
Because we don’t want anyone to see that speck of vulnerability in us
Our fences of insecurity and self defences have become giant impenetrable walls
We cannot think, cannot see through it
Or probably just won’t
With a variety of excuses in our arsenal
Ready to shoot down any rational arguement that tries to break through
Because taking a leap of faith has broken us instead at some point in life
But what we don’t get is that it’s not the decision of letting in that was wrong as much as the person we actually let in
That we failed to notice the ones who not only could but actually did have our backs
And thus we let the ripple effects of our mistakes hold us back further
Because we want people to beleive in us without the heart to let go of our fears

Whatever it takes

I think and I think and I think

Nothing helps, no matter what I drink

Sticking out like a sore thumb, is it really that bad?

Being okay with it, why does it make them mad?

They try and try to blend you in, to get lost in the crowd

So when you realise you’re truly lost, does it make them proud?

The guilt it instills in you, the endless rounds of questioning yourselves,

Even the lost will to exist , to breathe , to stand up for ourselves,

But don’t let your ideas and efforts get abashed in the name of potential mistakes

Rip the pages of belittlement and let them sing of your triumphs, whatever it takes!

Red

The colour of love, the colour of roses

But also as a symbol of danger it poses

A sign of life in the form of blood

Is there even a soul who dislikes it in the world?

The queen of sultry from dresses to cherries

And glossy lips , wine and strawberries

It can empower a woman, taking a spot on her forehead

Or make her impure, confining her for days to her bed

A control freak by nature, loves to be in charge all the time

It sets boundaries for even the rainbows that shine

Who else could dare stop vehicles on busy streets

Or make women too ominous for even God to greet !

A letter to myself

I want to write a letter

To the five year old me

Whose smile was brighter than sun that shined

With rosy cheeks and eyes too kind

Who knew perfectly well how to throw tantrums and fits

And such a devilish sense of humour, with none that could match her wits

Hoping to find the key to happiness she had

That let her be hopeful, even in situations that bad

I want to write a letter

To the ten year old me

Who loved everything around her selflessly and was instantly liked by all

Who was reckless and had not a care in the world as she knew no one would let her fall

Hoping to get back some of the confidence, fierceness and charm in her

That seems to have kept fading away, day by day, year by year

I want to write a letter

To the fifteen year old me

Who knew she wasn’t born to be confined in that small town that kept her tied

Who was so determined to spread out her wings and fly, that she couldn’t help and lied

Not just to her parents but also to herself, that everytime would be the last

And now their disappointed faces and the guilt have become the ghosts that haunt her past

Hoping to remind her how dearly she was loved and that she only had to ask

For help, for support, even a shoulder to cry on instead of hiding behind that mask

I want to write a letter

To the 20 year old me

Who will probably have began working a corporate job

Or figured out the hoax and with no way out be digging into the pillow to cover her sob

Hoping that I can provide her with a few words of comfort on such stormy nights

And remind her of the girl she was, of how bravely she fought all her fights

And despite everyone trying to tame her down, she stuck up for herself, for her dreams

Right or not, winning or not, she’ll always be the one constant player on her team!

She sells her body

Her glistening eyes that once were a calm ocean now behold a burning rage

Cover your legs they said, no crop tops they said, it’s not the right age

She ditched the stilletos for they were provocative they said

But that didnt prevent it from happening, nor did the saffron on her head

Neither the concrete structure she’d go for praying with flowers and her soul to offer

Nor did the society she desperately tried to fit in tried to take the pain off her

Her cries for help were answered by pretentious display of sympathy

But they soon dried up , along with the expectations of their empathy

It’s strange how she was left alone to fight her battles by herself

And now since she finally stopped trying and decided to give in to her fate

She sells her body they say

Got no morals, just a will and a way

She aint fit to live in our society they diss

Holding her guilty for enjoying such bliss ….

Guess who’s nominated, lol

I was extremely overwhelmed when I got this notification a few days back saying someone nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award! Thankyou soo much Asfa http://asfaabtabwrites.wordpress.com for reading all my posts and beleiving in me.

So here go the rules:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you & link their blog so everyone can visit.
  • Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated you.
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers and ask them 11 new questions.
  • Notify the nominees by commenting on their blog post.
  • List the rules and display the Award logo on your blog post.

My questions were:

1.Can you tell everyone what your blog is about and what to expect from your posts.? My blog is nothing but a collection of random thoughts and mood swings I get, presented in the form of words and poems.

2.If you were to ever write an autobiography, what would the title be and why? The title would probably be “A plump and clumsy girl’s guide to living” 😂

3. Who inspires you in life? My elder brother inspires me a lot. Obviously I would never admit it to him (coz, thats what siblings do😂) , but I love how smart , humorous and caring he is despite of the ample amount of annoyance and laziness

4. If you had to disappear and start a whole new life, what would you want your new life to look like? If I really had a chance, I’d probably be having a career in journalism and take up as many courses on literature as I can!

5. What are your best qualities, according to you? I think that would be passion. Be it music, singing, best friends……Also, I love my hair, if that counts!

6. If magic was real, what spell would you learn first? The first spell would definitely be something to make myself taller !!😂( dont judge, but trust me the struggle is real for a 5ft girl)

7. Do you think that Aliens exist? I havent really given it much of a thought but based on the vastness of the universe.. I think they probably do.

8. What would the box with all your 2019 goals look like? Firstly, clear my professional exams and a few other fitness goals.

9. If you didnt have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? I could watch movies and tv series or listen to music with an unlimited supply of snacks at one arm distance.

10. What is the first thing you notice about a person? First would be the way they speak and strangely the amount of personal space they like to keep and allow, eye contact, and so on .

11. What is your favourite season and why? I’ll pick autumn. The climate is pleasant, the rains are almost gone and winter chills start creeping in (where’s all the hot chocolate at!)

Since its my turn to nominate other people now, I present to you these amazing bloggers:

http://thevindicatedaxiom.wordpress.com

http://thoughtyone.wordpress.com

http://thebadart.wordpress.com

http://silentlysmoulderingwords.wordpress.com

http://brettkristian.wordpress.com

http://shehannemoore.wordpress.com

http://jumbledletters15.wordpress.com

http://maxmeunierpoetry.com

http://thebipolarwriter.blog

http://littlemanbigwordsblog.com

http://awriterssoulblog.wordpress.com

The actual list is a never ending one.. tere are so manyy amazing bloggers out there… but since I had to restrict myself these were the names that kinda popped in my head…

Finally, the list of questions I’d love to read their answers to:

1. Why exactly did you start blogging ?

2. Which is your favourite genre to write about?

3. Name a book you loved and why

4. If you had to introduce yourself in 2 lines?

5. Has blogging/writing helped you over the time? How?

6. What can you live without for a day : food or music?

7. Pick one again : FRIENDS or Game of thrones?

8. A superpower you wish you had?

9. Name a behaviour or thing that annoys you the most?

10. Who would you pick to be with if you’re gonna be stuck in a room for n entire day?

11. Okay, last one! Any comments or suggestions for me to improve please!

Looking forward to your answers! Bye..

I MISS HIM…..

I miss him

Even though he is right in front of me

Laughing and talking with our friends

I wanna walk straight up to him ask him how his day was and whatever else I manage to blurt about

I start to call out for him but words refuse to escape my mouth

And so I scurry back away, making a complete fool of myself all over again

I miss him

Even though I’ve continuously been reading our conversations,

Trying to find out some loophole, something that I might’ve missed the first time

Or the hundredth time

But they give me the same butterflies, the same confusion, the same pain again

And I end up in a blurry wave of emotions with no proper conclusion all over again

I miss him

Even though his picture is painted oh so vividly in my eyes

I still yearn to see him, every chance I can

To fuel the fire burning in me, burning me up

Wondering if he’d ever feel any of it

If I’ll ever be able to tell him any of it,

But mostly, if it’ll make any difference to him,

And I’m going round and round in those same circles in my mind, all over again!

Its How You Lost The Guy!

You stood there waiting for him, nervousness filling you up with each passing second. It was the same park where you both first met. You remenisce on the wonderful memories you’d created walking through the same roads, the times you pretended to be cold so that he would wrap you up in his jacket! The many coffee dates he took you on inspite of being more of a tea person himself. The way you’d squeeze his hand tight and give him a comforting smile, to reassure him. You lowkey loved how he was extremely protective and possessive about you but would never admit.

But he wasnt there today, you know he’s gone

You crave his scent , his warm hands around you! You always kept pushing him, like others, to see if he would come back, if he cared enough to fight for you. And everytime that he did, your feelings and trust in him grew a little stronger. Each time,he’d hold and comfort you, and tell you he loved you. But it somehow was never enough for you and you’d push him back farther each time. Well, guess what! This time you finally pushed him so far away, that he couldnt find his way back. All thats left for you to do is stand there waiting for him, hoping for your love to guide him back to you!

HE’S THE ONE !

If he listens to you rant on and on about how your eyeliners dont match,he’s the one!
But if he tells you to stop being a whiny little kid and probably just do them again, he’s the one!

If he knows when you’re feeling off, and how to cheer you up, he’s the one!
If he patiently waits for you to tell him about it, when you’re willing, he’s the one!

If he wraps you up in big bear hugs and is up for cuddling whenever you need, he’s the one!
But if he likes to have his own space and also respects yours, he’s the one!

If he orders you an extra cheesy pizza when all you ask for is a salad, he’s the one!
If he cockily snatches away fries from your plate when you arent looking, he’s the one!

If he loves to hold your hand and keep you close and proudly show you off, he’s the one!
But if he’d rather have you all for himself than sharing your divine moments, he’s the one!

If he passionately hypes you up inspite of your twisted raunchy humour, he’s the one!
But if he calls you out on your bullshit and then revels in watching the angry pout on your face, he’s the one!

If he remembers random little details about things you say, your likes and dislikes , he’s the one!
Even if he forgets your birthday or when you first met , but makes every day seem just as special, he’s definitely the one !!!

To the idiot I love

Your voice is my favourite music
The kind I’d love to listen to all day!
Your eyes my favourite illusion, in them
I’d love to get lost in every way!

Your scent feels just like home
The kind I never wanna stay away from, honestly, never!
Your shoulders more relaxing than any bed
Time stops and all my worries disappear and for once, it feels like forever!

Your hugs , the way you so deftly scoop me up in your strong arms
They’re the cocoons I keep coming back to even after breking free!
Your smile, the heavenly blend of innocence and tease
Knowing that I’m the reason for it, sends my heart on a happy spree!

Mirage called Love

How could you be dumb enough
To beleive him when he said you were special,
that there existed between you a common denominator
To forget all those times he ignored your calls and texts just because he was “sorry” later

How could you be so blind
To look past all his wrongs just because deep down you wanted him to be your “right”
To tolerate patiently all his mood swings for you fall all over again at his mere sight

How could you not realise,
The strings that you thought were attatched strongly had infact many loose ends
“The one” for him you werent, for you, none of his rules he’d ever bend

How could you be so reckless
To give up on your friends who meant the world to you to fit in his tiny dingy heart
To keep hiding all those scars he so obliviously gave
For the fear of everything falling apart…..

ROSES AND THORNS

This damn world as they say, is not a bed of roses

And not everytime does a window open, when all doors it closes

You think its just you?

No honey its something everyone goes through

If you think karma is the only kinky bitch that loves to fuck you up,

You’ll soon learn just how oblivious you were,

When life decides to catch up!!!

WORDS THAT REMAINED UNSAID

I know its been a really long while but I wanted to let you know

I told you I loved you, not just to hear you say it back to me

But because I meant it , I still do

I dont care if we havent been in touch lately,

I dont care if all you want to do is rant about something stupid in life

I dont care if its 3 in the morning and you think I’m probably asleep

Just know, that I’m gonna be there, always!

Because that is what love means to me,

That.. is what you mean to me!

Cut yourself a little slack !

Cut yourself a little slack

You know you’ve been through a lot,

The barriers you thought you’d never get through

The set backs you didnt think you could move on from

The test you thought you wouldnt ever be able to pass in

The obdurate pimple you feared would grace your face forever

That embarassing incident in high school, the churlish classmates and their laughter echoing in your ears

Left you crestfallen, wanting to disappear

Didnt it make you beleive your life was fucking messed up and couldnt be worse?

Now take a long moment and think of all those times and situations again

Yes you’ve made it out alive
And you’re gonna keep doing so

You may not pass everytime with flying colours

But you’ll always learn something new, experience something unique

And life will make a little more sense each day!

Continue reading “Cut yourself a little slack !” →

A Delicious Addiction

She craved the sweet sensation on her lips

The soft, smooth and silky kisses

Her eyes burning wild with desire

She knew it wasnt a very wise choice,

But the mere thought made her drool

People around often warned her

How unhealthy her addiction was and also about its rather serious consequences

Deep down she knew she would soon regret giving in to her heart

But she also knew, all the pleasure was worth way more than the pain

With slow cautious steps in the beginning

She walked towards the door

Happy to soon be with the love of her life

Trying to absorb the seductive fragrance

With a big ass smile and a single tear

She finally opened the refrigerator and took out the jar of nutella

Devouring each spoonful with immense satisfaction

And happily skipped all the way back to her bed!

Our life is what we build it to be..

I had promised myself to be strong and collected

To be my first priority for a change

But I could feel the tears well up and make their way down my cheeks

So safe to say, I was back to my vulnerable self again!

I had by now started to believe I was a lost case

But then I remembered the words of an angel who, with such grace

Encouraged me to come out of the pool of self loathing and false pity I had soaked myself into

Thats it! I said, I had finally realised and set my actual goal to chase

There are a lot of things no number of books can ever teach us and this I think is one of them

Our life is what we chose it to be , what we build it to be and the poor stars are not to be blamed

It will always give you challenges and throw tantrums even , only to sit back and enjoy waching you stumble and fall , when

“Haha You Lose!” It will have claimed

Haunted memories

She wound the rugged jacket tightly around herself

Its scent made her feel close to her dad

It made her feel safe, warm and fearless

Now it wasnt pretty and pink like the others

But it suited perfectly her disguise, one she strived to maintain

The deliberate walls she built around herself, never letting anyone in

Or the stone cold , bulletproof attitude she had mastered

Others beleived that she wore it to protect her body

But it was her heart that she really intended to save with her pretence

Inside, she always wanted badly to beleive in fairytales and santa claus

To dance around in the rains and chase butterflies across

But it took only one look, one touch,

One scream is all she could manage before shattering into million pieces

The one person she loved as much as her own father, whom she trusted,

Had now been a permanent part of her nightmares

The memory of his lusty eyes and drooling face still made her shrug

She hated hersef for being weak and letting him crush her, for not being able to defend herself

She hated how she let that one person affect her so much

To make her beleive that all of it was her fault

How it created this large void in her soul and filled it with hatred,

Towards herself and everone else

Noticing a silent tear roll down her cheek,

He cupped her face and held her closer

Before she met him, she’d accepted to be broken, damaged forever

It was strange, how one man scarred her for life while another one wanted lovingly to spend his entire life healing them

She looked deeply into his blue eyes, overwhelmed by the love and respect they reflected

She no longer needed the walls around her, she was happy to have let him in,

She felt vulnerable and yet safe in his arms

Something she thought was impossible before

She’d finally found her prince charming!!!

Wanna share a muffin?

I dont know why I try to camouflage in their skin

And not stand up for myself, for what I am within

Adding layers upon layers and masks upon masks

Anything to fill the deep pit of soliteriness and self loathing, why do I do it to myself I ask

Why cant I enjoy a queit cup of coffee with my favourite book ,

And not care about my messy braid or how I look?

Why is everyone so reluctant to stand out ,

To simply smile instead of woo and pout?

I wonder if I’ll ever find, in this world of picture perfect freak shakes and fries

Someone who’d like to share … maybe a muffin? Or atleast tries..?

Decoding love

I’ve always wondered what love really is

Is it the helpless smile that gets plastered on your face whenever you talk

Or the unknown sadness you feel when you are away?

Is it the little dance your mind does when you spot them in a crowd

Or the tears that u supress when you cant express it out loud!

Does it give u wings or instead have u tied

Does it help u flourish or dry up inside,

“It hurts” said a broken heart, “it heals” said another,

So does it come with conditions necessary to abide?